The Family Life

Well todays blog should have been about the Calgary Flames losing game seven last night, but even that will have to take second fiddle to the comment I read in my blog yesterday. Actually, I dont always get a chance to read the comments posted in my blog, sometimes this blog serves more like a diary than anything else, and some blogs pretty much only make sense to me, and thus I dont suspect anyone to comment on them. But of course, LeeAnn is different.

Yesterday, I got a funny email from Dyron (My friend and my pastor at Campbell Stone United). It basically said, "Hey man I just read LeeAnns note in your blog. I am sure you have read it. You have not told me anything about that, we should talk." Now at first I did not know what he was talking about. At first I just thought he was referring to a blog entry I entitled LeeAnn. I thought, "of course I have read it, I wrote it stupid". And I went about my day. But then around mid-afternoon, for some strange reason, I was flipping through my old blog entries, and I felt the urge to re-read my "Easter" entry. As this was an important day that came and went, and a day that I am still having a tough time coming to terms with. And low and behold at the end of that entry, was a comment from LeeAnn.

Now mind you, it has been about thirty months since I saw LeeAnn last, but I cannot over-estimate her presence in my life and my thoughts during all that time. She was the motivation behind my first novel (which was pretty much a flop). And her presense has even found its way into the current novel I am writing (Jesus, Where art thou)in the character of Natalie. She was and still is, a driving force pushing me towards, whatever it is, I am to become.

With all that said. LeeAnn is a beautiful and caring women. And as with all beautiful and caring women, she has been blessed over the passed few years to have found a loving husband, and has recently found out, that she will be a mother in about five months. God has truly blessed her, and I know she will make a great mother, and a loving wife. If you are reading this LeeAnn, you are in my prayers daily. (However, I must concede that the content of those prayers will now need to include Brian, and your soon to be born son or daughter).

The world is a funny place when you look at it through my eyes. More times than not I am detached from what is going on, like an outsider looking in. And sometimes I become "extremely detached" so much so that I almost disappear into another world. I remember LeeAnn giving me a card once, with a quote from one of her favorite singers (It might even have been Sarah Harmer, but dont quote me)The words in quotations were "Those Deep Lagoons that you Go". I never understood that until yesterday. Reading her comment was like coming up for air, or waking from a dream. It made me painfully aware that the world in my head, no matter how beautiful, is not real. And that people cannot see into my head, or feel what I am feeling. I guess that it is something I must make a conscious effort to share. And we all know how good I am at sharing my feelings. LOL.

I guess in conclusion I will just point out that another person in my life, a very significant person has started a family. It seems to be the thing we are suppose to do, and yet something beyond my understanding. When I look into the future I never see a family. Even while I was trying to believe, that oneday LeeAnn and I would find each other under ideal circumstance, and not our usual "Bad Timing". And that I would be willing and able to be open and honest enough with her, to start a real relationship that could have the happy ending she has found with Brian. I also know that I am not yet that person.

I hope and pray that one day I will become that person. And I also hope and pray that God will send another angel like LeeAnn, if and when that day comes. I hope and pray that when he sends her, I will recongnize her. I hope and pray that I will be able to tell her how I feel, when she needs to hear it. I hope and pray for many things. But today, in a very strange way, I thank God for answering my prayer of the past few years. "Dear Father, I hope that LeeAnn is safe and well. And I hope that she is living the life she deserves. A life full of love." Yesterday, I surfaced to find that those prayers have been answered.