Suicide

It has been a few days since my last entry. This weekend will not soon be forgotten. It caused a flood of emotions and memories from my past, as well as was trying in itself. I will attempt to piece it together here, both for my own record and in an attempt to sort through my thoughts. Friday evening was a great night. Timmy, Bonnie, Mike, John and I all played Poker till about 3am. It was nice. I broke even. Tim was the big winner, and Bonnie the big loser. I was a little upset with Kelly for drinking at the party, but I was not in the mood to get mad at her, but I did a little and she was a bit upset before bed. Sometime in the middle of the night she woke up and started drinking, so that when I finally woke up she was pretty much drunk and chatting online. I did not really know how to react to this, so I simply wanted to get away from the situation. I recommended that we go for something to eat. The topic then got on when I was going to send her home. I told her nothing had really changed and that I would take her home Sunday morning, but I was getting a bit sceptical about taking her to the xmas party. We then left the house and began to drive. The conversation soon got on whether I should just put her on a bus and send her home right then. The conversation digressed and it was decided that she did not want to eat, and that all she wanted to do was go home to sleep. So I rounded the corner and took her back to my place. We argued about me leaving her alone, as I was worried she would just get more intoxicated. She pleeded with me, and said "Let me prove it to you, Let me prove that you can trust me." I still did not trust her, so I took all the booze out of the fridge and packed it away. And then I left to go to Crush for lunch and a pint of beer, as I was pretty stressed out from all of this already. Lunch at Crush was nice and relaxing. I ate, had two pints of beer, and decided it would be nice to just go home have a nap, and let the whole morning just disappear. I also hoped Kelly was sleeping off her morning, and that the day could still be salvaged. I remember walking in the apartment, and noticing the bedroom door was open, even though I remember shutting it. I thought to myself, that Kelly must be awake and reading or something, but I was not in the mood to talk to her so I just laid down on the sofa and closed my eyes, while listening to the Patriots game on the television. I do not know how long i laid there. I awoke to Kelly asking me if I would go down to the car and get her purse, apparently her meds were in there. I remember saying something like, "I will get them in a bit" and her rebutting "I need them now." I was quite angry and did not really look at her. I brushed by her and went down to the car and got her meds. I came back upstairs. She met me at the door with a jeans and a towel around her. I plopped her purse down on the floor and said, "there you go". She said "No bring them to the bathroom", I said "take them to the bathroom yourself." She started walking away from me toward the bathroom. As I walked behind her I started to notice blood on the towel. As the bathroom came into view, there was blood everywhere. The bathwater was red, and a few rags where in it. There was a knife on the side of the tub. I just started yelling "what the fuck, what the fuck." I did not even see the cuts on her wrists, my mind was just trying to take in everything, so I just kept yelling "what the fuck, what the fuck". When my mind finally started to process things, I grabbed the knife so she could do no more harm to herself, and called 911. From there it is a blur, as my mind started to flip back and forth between my bathroom and Club Traffic back in 1993. Now for those of you who dont know, I was managing a club called Club Traffic back in 1993. It was the first club I ever worked in, and one that cost me a lot emotionally, and psychologically. One night a friend of mine named Kelly (now isnt that coincidense) was in the club with a few friends. And if memory serves me correctly it was around xmas time as well. A couple of black promoters were having a hip hop night. The club was sort of going in that direction with Saber sort of spearheading things. Anyway, It began to look like something was going to happen between Kelly and his girlfriend, and a bunch of black guys. So to difuse the situation, Saber snuck them out the back, and we told them to just eat some humble pie and just go home. Kelly and his girlfriend left out the back, but being idiots, they drove around the front and Kellys girlfriends, being drunk, started yelling racial comments. I stood on the front porch and watched this unfold. When I realized that the mob of people was pulling her from the truck, I ran in to make the 911 call. The rest gets a little blury, and I even spent the next year with a nice Detective named Detective Elms from the Edmonton City Police. For months we tried to jog my memory, but nothing came forward that could help them find the suspects. I just realized I did not say what happened. Anyway, while i was on the phone with 911 Kelly emerged from the mob, with obvious stab wounds all over him. At that time, I passed the phone off to the door girl and ran outside. I tried to put Kelly into a postion that would lessen the shock. I think I covered him to try to keep him warm. But basically I just held him, and listened to the sirens that seemed to be miles away. When they arrived the police got us together and questioned us. We all waited on pins and needles for hours, as the police questioned and took pictures and all that stuff that goes on in a homocide investigation. Apparently he was pretty much DOA, but he fought back and a few days later was in ICU. From what I recall his parents moved him back to Medicine Hat. But mentally he would be a teenager for the rest of his life from the trauma. That was pretty much the last I heard of it. That episode, in retrospect caused me to make some strange decisions over the next few years. Life sort of took on a surreal tone. I never did seek councelling for that event. I just sort of did what I always do, I gritted my teeth and I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I thought that was the right thing to do. I do not know how many of my mistakes and errors in judgment stem from that event. Questions about mortality often lead us to do crazy things. But I do know that part of the reason I went to Europe was that I was tired of listening to that 911 call over and over again. I liked Detective Elms, but I felt like the system was torchering me, and not letting me just forget the whole thing. I was very angry at the "system" and like I said many of the things I did after that event, that were not really me, stemmed from that anger at the system. It took almost ten years for me to deal with that anger, and stop fighting the system, ten years living underground, making ends meet however I could. It was a very dark part of my life. But that all ended in 2003, and I began to try to become the Ian Newman that I was meant to be. The rest is history, or so I thought. After EMS and the Police had taken Kelly away on Saturday, all those memories came back. While I was cleaning the blood off the walls, and the tub, and the floor. I realized that I still have not fully dealt with some of the incidents in my past, and wondered if I ever would/could. I spent Sunday and Monday sort of in a daze that I am just now starting to emerge from. I am debating seeing a shrink. Maybe there is more here that meets the eye. Maybe I am a bit more fucked up from some of my life experiences then I thought. God knows that these are not the only two terrible things I have witnessed. Maybe I need to see a psychologist. I do not know. I will need to think about it a bit more. A lot has happenned, I just need to sort it out. I hope I look back on this entry in a week, with a clearer head. But I am glad I have this blog to try and sort it out as well. To all my friends who have access to this blog, I hope I am not acting too weird right now. Things will get better soon.