LeeAnn

Well it is that time of year again when my thoughts turn back toward LeeAnn. Every year I tell myself, "it wont happen this year." And yet every year it happens. Her birthday is on Saturday, and still we are not talking. I am not sure how many of you out there have very special friends who you have lost along the way, but for those who have, I am sure you know what I am going through.

I have put a small package together for her, which if I have the balls to send, I hope will find her well. It has been two years now, and in that time I have moved to Calgary, and only God knows where she is (last time I saw her she was in North Battleford doing her teaching practicum). It is that transient nature that is at least part to blame for our lack of communication. The other half would have to be blamed on a mutual stubborness. But I am hoping she is living happily in Saskatoon, and that the package that I am sending to her moms place finds her sooner rather than later.

I guess the one question I always end up asking myself, when I start thinking of LeeAnn is, "Why cant you just let it go?" For me LeeAnn represents everything that I lack. If the words of all those romantics out there are true. The words that say that when you find someone, they are like your other half. The words that say when you find someone, the two of you would be more than the sum of your parts. LeeAnn brought more happiness, sadness, love, and hate to my life than any woman before and any woman since.

Some say that I have put her on a pedistal. And I must confess that this is surely the case. But is that not what love does? And when you convince yourself that you will love someone for life, how do you concede? even in the light of all rationality, that it has ended and that you should move on? How do you stop yourself from not grasping at the slightest chance of reconcilliation? If you could, and you were a Jew living in occupied Germany would you denounce your religion? OR, would you live with the pain and the suffering, knowing that you were staying true to your heart and your God?

Now some may say that comparying LeeAnn with religion or god is not a proper thing. But if God is Love then my feelings for her, are identical with my feelings for God. Both relationships I will take to the grave. I could no sooner love another girl, than I could love another God. But I also know that God works in strange ways, and maybe, just maybe, He will take me down off this cross, and either bring us back together, or somehow allow me love someone else.

As always, when it comes to LeeAnn I make very little sense. So I am just going to stop this blog here, and try to get through the day.