Shit or get off the Pot

It seems that I have spent most the past month on the road. I spent over a week in Edmonton and Jasper, and then returned to Edmonton for the past few days, and now I am heading to Canmore for a couple more days. However, this should not be confused with those old fun days on the road. So let me tell you about the difference.

The old Newman got to spend his nights in hostels talking with other travelers, playing chess, enjoying beers, and telling stories about where we have been and where we would like to go next. The people were all different, and more than a few of us were a few cards short of a deck. Some people played guitars, and others read tarot cards. Still others could draw, or paint. I even met someone who could read tea-leaves. Oh yes, and who could forget Rebecca, the traveling gypsy that played with those fire sticks. Most of the time we did not talk about money, and when we did, it was to find out where we might find a few days work, in order to make enough money to get to the next town.

The new Newman gets to spend his nights sitting in hotel lounges with everyone talking about how much money they have, and how much more they want. They talk about how their house has made them hundreds of thousands of dollars in just a few short years. Or the conversation could turn to that BMW or SUV that is sitting in the drive. We could talk about how expensive kids are these days. Then when you are done talking about how much money everyone has, you get to go back to your brilliant hotel room alone. You get to watch television. When you try to talk with the only cool people in the hotel (the staff) they treat you like a "guest". They smile at you, the same way I used to smile at people like me. I think anyone who has ever worked in the hospitality industry knows that smile.

I am not sure where I am going with this. I love my job. But I don't think I am any better off than I was a few years ago. I just seem to have more responsibilities and more people to expect things of me. NO complaints I mean the more they give me, the more they pay me. But when ur single and dont really have anything that you really want....well all that money just goes out the window anyway. So sometimes I wonder if I would be better off without it. Without a job. Without an apartment. Without it all. God knows I could get by day to day and not have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with this. I have done it before. Someone asked me "when in your life were you happiest"....not sure i can answer that.....and not sure that if I could, I would ever be able to repeat it.

The term "Shit or get off the pot" has come up a lot the last few weeks. Mainly when talking to people about their relationships. But when I think about it, I guess it applies to me too. Only for me the decision is to put those last few nails in my coffin and become the walking stiff I have been becoming for the past few years. Maybe stop drinking. I mean the only reason I do it is because it is the only thing that makes me feel human, the only time i feel even remotely "similar" to anyone else playing this god-for-saken game we call "urban life" .....or at least until I pass out, and realize its time to do the whole thing over again...the same as the day before...and the day before that....and that.

But its hard when the only alternative seems to be a return to the "happy Newman" that would probably end his life pushing a shopping cart around some far away city. Come to think of it, I am pretty sure that's how this story is going to end anyway....or at least that is where I would put my money if I was a betting man.

newman out
(sorry for the negativity....but when you cant even think of a goal to reach for....the world can be a pretty melancholy place)